Buzzworthy auteur Guillermo del Toro has really come full circle with his latest picture, Hellboy II: The Golden Army, the not-so-much anticipated sequel to 2004′s Hellboy. Based on the comic book series of the same name, this latest addition to the Hellboy “franchise” is essentially the combination of del Toro’s first mainstream American film, 1997′s Mimic, and his most touted release, last year’s Oscar-winning Pan’s Labyrinth: its got the highly inventive and visually interesting creepy crawly monsters of fantasy made so famous by Labyrynth, and its got the absolute terribleness of Mimic in its meaningless, held-together-by-a-thread stupid, stupid story.
That’s right– this movie is terrible. I’d call it one of the worst movie’s of the year and easily one of the Top Ten Most Unnecessary Sequels of all time (that sounds like a fun Media Maven Top Ten to me…). Honestly, how many people do you know who spent the last FIVE years going “When oh when will they make a sequel to HellboyI?! I can’t wait any longer!” If it takes you five years to pull the trigger on a sequel, chances are there weren’t many fans or studios chomping at the bit to get a franchise rolling. Plus, (and this should’ve been, you know, a pretty good sign), the first Hellboy only grossed $59 million domestic. Ok, it made another $30 mil overseas and did well on DVD, and it was relatively cheap to make (about $66 mil), but still — I don’t think Hellboy fans even remember what happened in Hellboy.
This film is a mess from start to finish, and contrary to my expectations, there weren’t even enough cool action scenes to hold my interest in between horrible dialogue– there were maybe 2 cool action sequences in the entire film and neither came from a place of high stakes or real need. The movie is riddled with more plot holes than any film in recent memory. Here are a few of many burning questions I had at the film’s end (SPOILER ALERT): If Liz could melt the crown, why didn’t she just melt it 20 minutes into the movie? If Red could just challenge Prince Nuada’s claim to the thrown, why did he fight the Golden Army for 10 minutes before doing so? What the hell is Abe’s power and why on earth would they spend 45 minutes of the movie giving him a frickin love story with that blond vampire princess? If Nuala could kill her brother by killing herself, why didn’t she do it earlier to save her father? I could go on for the next five years until they make Hellboy III: The Tree Monster’s Revenge.
And yet, Hellboy II is tracking at around $35 million for this weekend– $35 million! Holy cow! That’s ridiculous! Forget what I just said about it being an unnecessary sequel– the guys at Universal look like frickin geniuses now. $35 million for a movie with no stars, no plot, a 5-year-old first entry, and lots of crazy-ass tree monsters and golden robots? Moreover, this movie is getting great reviews! It’s got an 87% on Rotten Tomatoes! Is there a single person alive who thinks Hellboy II is better than Wanted or The Incredible Hulk? How can this be possible? Did we all watch the same movie? Cause the movie I watched used every cliche in the book to make a superhero-esque movie as emotional and relationship-focused as possible, to horrible effect. If you’re going to make an action movie where the main focus is the relationships between the characters, you need to have full-drawn, three-dimensional characters. Does a blue fish/man/alien named Abe Sapien strike you as a fully realized hero? The only character who seemed like an actual person was Hellboy himself, played perfectly by Ron Perlman. But it felt like he was only onscreen 40% of the time, as the ludicrous Abe love story dominated the narrative.
I’m at a loss as to why critics like this film. I applaud Universal: they picked a great release date, had a great marketing campaign, and capitalized on the American and international love of comic book movies that has become such a dominant part of our media consumption today. Sci-fi/cult/comic booky projects have crept in from the fringes to become an enormous stalwart in mainstream media today, to the point where nearly every film of this nature is a bankable hit (not as much for tv, but that’s a whole different can of worms).
Actually, thinking about it now, I think I really do like this movie.
PSYCHE! This movie f’ing blows. I’d rather be a German doctor made of ectoplasmic gas than have to watch this joke of a feature ever again.
Grade: D+
Despite laughing out loud multiple times while reading this review, I just got out of this and actually liked it quite a bit. The last 20 minutes were pretty terrible, but I developed a deep affection for Abe and was sad for him when his girl died. Also, there were lots of REALLY hard punches to the face and catchy music. Call me an average viewer, hahah.
P.S. I thought it was better than Hulk, which took itself WAY to seriously for its ridiculous premise. At least Hellboy knows its a big joke. I was impressed that Guillermo could write such deliciously cheesy dialog.
Loving these comments, Ev. You’re not the only person I’ve spoken with who thinks my dislike for the film is too harsh, but I think we’ll just have to agree to disagree on this one. I think the Hulk was better off for taking itself seriously the way it did, and I think Hellboy could’ve used some of that seriousness. As long as there’s no Hellboy 3…
I think the movie was stupid. The only part that I liked was when they got drunk and started to sing. They actually seemed drunk. That was like the only entertaining part. This has nothing to do with the last movie either. That kind of bugged me. And I agree that Ron Perlman was awsome as always!!!
Thanks for writing, Michelle. Glad we agree!
Hellboy 2 was fun… for sure that director has an amazing imagination, reminded me a lot of his work in Pan’s Labyrinth
Hey Maven, I’ve seen this movie on dvd yesterday. I remembered your critical post, and I wanted to let you know that I fully share your opinion. This movie is an offense to anybody; the viewers, the actors, Hollywood, God, other gods, etc. WHAT A CRAP! It is rated 7.5 at IMDB, so I’ve officially lost any connection with the average filmwatcher. Thought I was one.
Guillermo del Toro can create a lot of visual pleasure, but without a story it is an empty creation. Moreover, why the romances? I could deal with Abe and the Princess, but Hellboy and Liz? And those stories two combined? My freaking god.
It was funny that for a movie without any storyline, Hellboy 2 was predictable as hell. After 30 minutes, me and a friend said to eachother: ‘The Princess will kill herself in order to kill The Prince. The Prince will try to turn Hellboy over to his side. The German is in fact a friend (but what a terrible character)’
For this, I will rate this movie a 0.5. Never I have felt screwed by a film like this. If Hellboy 3 will be released. I will do anything to stop it – hungerstrikes, streaking with bombs on my body, that kind of stuff.
Once again Ivar, I see we’re in agreement. I’m terribly sorry you wasted your precious time on such a dumb film. Make up for it by going to see Milk or Slumdog Millionaire. Like, now.